


It's Always Been You

by idinathoreau



Category: Magic School Bus
Genre: Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Female Homosexuality, Heterosexuality, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Prequel, Questioning, Sequel, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 05:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6786568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idinathoreau/pseuds/idinathoreau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short stories detailing the trials, hurdles and challenges of the budding relationship of Dorothy Ann Sanders and Wanda Li. Fem-slash. Some smut/non-graphic, non-con.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Questionable Motives

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to the Aftermath series and a sequel to Frizzy Hair and Field Trips. It deals with the romantic drama of several characters based on the canon from those stories. There is drama, internalized self-loathing, denial, friendship, and sex of the non-consensual, non-graphic behavior between two women. The non-con stuff is in the end of chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 2. This is meant as a bridge fic between the series to help rationalize how certain characters ended up in relationships established in "The Culmination".

"You can plan your life to the second but that doesn’t mean it’s going to cooperate."

Dorothy Ann Sanders had always known she was different from your average teenager. For one, she’d been doing high school level physics and math by the time she was ten. She’d calculated the speed and position of an asteroid and preventing it from hitting Earth at age 8, for crying out loud. For another, she absolutely loved to read. Her backpack was so full of books for her own research pursuits that there was hardly room for her notebooks. If she really had to give another reason, it would be that she found the company of most other people intolerable. Sure she had her friends, mostly just the few from Ms. Frizzle’s class back in the day and a few tolerable minds on the engineering and astronomy teams but for the most part, Dorothy Ann, or DA, as those few friends called her, kept to herself.  
DA knew many things: she knew the circumference of the Earth and all other planets in the solar system. She knew the distance to Proxima Centauri (4.243 light years) and its classification (red dwarf). She knew a hundred reaction mechanisms for organic molecules and over two hundred more for inorganic ones.   
But she had never guessed the truth about her sexuality. Not until Keesha Franklin’s sophomore year spring party when Keesha’s grandmother had gone out of town and the budding young actress had thrown a party to celebrate. The night had been loud and crowded, even with all of the smart (or just the lucky) couples sneaking away to the more private rooms in the house. DA had not been one of the ones in those couples. She had been standing by herself off to the side of the grinding dancers, cursing the pounding base, nursing an ice water and wondering why she had even bothered to come. She hated parties, even those thrown by her best friends. When the beer came out, the IQ of and ability to relate to everyone in the room (regardless of their relation) to her dropped to intolerable levels. DA supposed that if she ever got as drunk as some of the other party goers she might’ve had a different opinion. But she had plans. And she wasn’t going to let one night of beer pong, poor decisions, and a boy with a little too touchy hands ruin her shot at the Nobel Prize.   
But she wasn’t drunk for what happened that night, so she remembered it with painful clarity. Wanda had stumbled up to her, drunk out of her skull. DA tried to make herself less visible. When Wanda got smashed, she was known to do some stupid things; however, her precautions didn’t help. Wanda saw her anyway.   
“Hey… have you seen Arnold..?” Wanda shouted over the pulsing music, her speech slurred slightly.   
DA shook her head. The last time she had seen him, he’d been headed upstairs with Wanda leading him. That had been nearly an hour ago. She’d been trying not to think about what the two of them might have been doing up there. “Nope, I thought he was with you.” She told Wanda, placing her water down on the table beside her.   
Wanda nodded enthusiastically. “He was…! He was! We were just upstairs… you know… oops!” Another intoxicated party-goer stumbled past, knocking Wanda off balance. Wanda stumbled and grabbed blindly for support as DA quickly leaned in to catch her. Wanda’s hand ended up grasping DA’s breast while DA’s hands found her shoulders.   
DA froze, half supporting Wanda under the arms. “Ummm…” DA wasn’t sure how to react. Wanda was obviously drunk and the gesture had been an accident but all the same, no one had ever touched her there except her doctor when he’d been checking for breast cancer. Before she could say anything however, Wanda’s lips were on hers. The kiss was short but deep and also DA’s first. She could taste the alcohol on Wanda’s breath but in that moment it didn’t gross her out like it should have. She had ceased to think, which should have terrified her. Wanda’s lips were so soft, so strong… she started to lean in, her lips parted…  
Wanda broke the kiss suddenly. DA wanted more. But Wanda had wandered off, mumbling about finding Arnold by the time DA’s brain got around to thinking again.  
After a few minutes of stunned blinking, DA had stumbled over to Phoebe, who was sitting on the couch swishing the beer in her cup around in circles.   
“Hey Feebs.” Phoebe had looked up, startled out of her thoughts.   
“Oh… Hey.” She had greeted DA flatly as she plopped down next to Phoebe on the couch. She kept obsessively twisting the cup in her wrist, watching the liquid swirl in her cup.   
“Wanda just kissed me.” DA said frankly. She knew she wouldn’t have to worry about Phoebe telling anyone. Phoebe was the most discrete of all of them.   
Phoebe looked at her, the cup becoming still in her grip.  
“Really? On the…?”  
DA just nodded.  
Phoebe sat back. “Well… okay then.” She glanced sideways at DA. “… are you…?”  
DA had visibly jumped. “What? No! It was just Wanda being drunk-Wanda.” She laughed. “You know how her judgment goes from awful to truly terrible when she gets smashed. She probably thought I was Arnold.”  
Phoebe’s expression darkened. “Yeah… I bet she did.” She went back to swirling her drink. “Is she a good kisser?” She asked casually.   
DA shrugged. “What makes a good kisser?”  
Phoebe shook her head. “I don’t know… How did it make you feel?” She asked DA while staring into her cup.   
DA had considered the question. She hadn’t been too sure what she was feeling. She didn’t know how to describe what was happening to her. Her heart wasn’t racing but it felt… lighter, yes lighter was a good way to describe it. And her head still felt terrifyingly empty, like she had just consumed a huge glass of beer. Her fingers were tingling but that could’ve been from anything.   
“I don’t know…” She had told Phoebe. “but like I said, it was just Wanda being a drunk idiot.”  
At that moment, Wanda and Arnold had stumbled past the doorway, clinging to each other and giggling. Phoebe had stiffened when she saw this and excused herself with a hurried, muttered apology. DA had seen her making out with Ralphie Tennelli later on that night after Wanda and Arnold had left in Arnold’s car.  
She hung around the party later than she should have that night, the memory of lips on hers bubbling to the front of her mind despite the music pounding ceaselessly in her head. 

From that day onward, DA decided she was better off not getting involved in romantic relationships and buried whatever feelings she’d experienced from that night deep down. Wanda and Arnold had become official after that night and were now known as one of those perpetual couples that not even the trials and raging hormones of high school could separate. DA accepted them, the same way she accepted Phoebe and Ralphie doing their odd on-again, off-again thing that no one really understood. She retreated to her books and studied hard, determined to let nothing distract her. That was at least until her and Carlos gave it a try in their junior year. But from their first kiss onward, DA knew it wasn’t going to work. He was nothing like Wanda. He was hard and pushy and held on way too long. She didn’t let him even get that far: as soon as his hands travelled below her waist, her entire body would clench up and she’d have to push him away and breathe deeply to calm herself down.  
But she still didn’t strip away the possibility. They tried but even she could tell it was going nowhere, painfully slowly. Maybe Carlos and her were too much like siblings for a relationship to have any real heat. She ended it after four months, a nice healthy break-up that hurt neither of them. But all the same, DA didn’t date anyone else for the remainder of her time in high school. She instead focused on her studies and as a result got a full merit ride to the school of her choice: Harvard.  
So it was in college when DA finally drew her conclusion about herself.

By some cruel twist of fate, she ended up as freshman roommates with none other than Janet Perlstein. Apparently, her family had enough money and the right connections to get their daughter into Harvard’s prelaw program on a fast track to Harvard Law. The room selection however, was up to chance. And that chance somehow spit out the only two girls from Walkerville as the residents of room 2341.  
The two were nowhere near ideal roommates: DA liked to wake up early and Janet only ever came back to the room long after midnight. They argued over everything and just generally pissed the hell out of each other. DA would have gone to the housing office to request a change but that would require meeting someone new and adjusting to their lifestyles none of which she really wanted to do when time was better spent studying. But she didn’t because of what happened towards the end of their second month as roommates. 

Janet came back to the room rather early (for her at least) one night and shut the door rather sharply. “Dorothy Ann, would you do something for me?” She asked as she kicked off her shoes.  
DA looked up, only half paying attention while running calculations for her latest project on binary star system cycles. “Ummm…. Sure Janet, what is it?”  
Janet’s hands grabbed DA’s face and next second, her tongue was probing DA’s mouth.  
“mmphh! Janet… Janet! What the hell are you doing?!” DA pulled away, ignoring the heat that had suddenly seemed to appear between her stomach and legs. She knew Janet was straight, she was painfully aware of it. Many nights she had been kicked out of the room because Janet had come back earlier than her with her latest hook-up. DA had heard some things she’d never wanted to hear. Ever. So DA had taken to working in their room instead of in the library. Janet got the hint and visited her boyfriends’ rooms instead. So now all DA had to deal with was Janet stumbling in either really, REALLY late or really, REALLY early smelling of cologne and dirty gym socks (Janet liked her men tall, athletic and muscular).   
“Oh relax DA, I’m just experimenting.” Janet drawled. She lowered her head again. “Try to keep quiet and not squirm.” Her tongue entered DA’s mouth again, aggressively probing. Janet bit DA’s lower lip and pressed her body closer.  
“Janet… Janet, no.” DA pushed Janet off of her but didn’t let go. Her whole body seemed to be blushing. “I… I can’t do this…”  
Janet chuckled “Can’t you? It’s not like there’s anyone else.” She moved closer to DA again and placed her hands possessively on DA’s shoulders. “I know honey. I know why you never hang out at the parties, why you never flirt with the guys, why you never want to talk about boys or sex.”  
DA raised an eyebrow in question. Janet smiled at her, her expression sickly sweet.  
“You’re a lesbian.”  
DA felt the blush shoot through her. “What? No! No. No I’m not!” She wasn’t, she couldn’t be…  
Janet smirked. “Dorothy Ann. There’s no point hiding it.” She chided her. “I won’t tell anyone… so long as you give me what I want.”  
DA had a sudden desire to run and hide in the closet, something that definitely would not help given the current topic of conversation. “What you want?” She asked, hating where this conversation was going. “What’s that?”  
Janet slowly but firmly slid her hand around the back of DA’s neck and drew her closer. “You know, for someone so smart you sure are slow to take a hint.” She lowered her mouth again but DA reacted faster this time.  
“Janet… Janet no… I…I’m not gay… I’m…”  
Janet rolled her eyes. “Are you telling me… you don’t want this?” Janet asked, cupping one of DA’s breasts through her shirt. DA involuntarily gasped. Janet moved close again, a triumphant smile on her lips. “Or would you rather I start telling people your little secret?” She asked in a husky whisper. DA trembled but whether from fear or desire she couldn’t tell. “All I want is sex, honey.” Janet said. “No messy relationship, no dates, no missed anniversaries. Just someone to finish when Jeremy doesn’t.” She started to pick at the ties in DA’s hair, pulling her ponytails free and tangling her fingers in DA’s long hair. DA was caught, she couldn’t move. She knew Janet knew she was stuck. Janet was toying with her like a cat playing with a trapped mouse. She certainly didn’t want Janet spreading that rumor even if it was true. She’d never really considered that as the possibility for her lack of interest in dating. She’d always attributed it to being too busy or just not liking any of the options put in front of her. Frat boys weren’t much better than high school boys. But girls?   
For some reason, she thought of the night at Keesha’s party where she and Wanda had kissed. That had been good right? Enjoyable, despite the circumstances. Kissing Carlos had certainly been nice but was it that? DA really didn’t know. Was she gay? She had no problem with homosexuality but the thought that she herself might be…  
While DA had been musing, Janet had positioned herself on top of DA, kissing her neck and chin repeatedly. DA jumped as Janet tried to capture her lips again.  
“But… but… can’t you get that from Jeremy?” She asked awkwardly around Janet’s mouth and tongue. “Or from…? From…?” She was forgetting the names of Janet’s friends.  
Janet stopped kissing her and looked up. “Chuck?” She supplied. “Sure I could. But where’s the fun?” She shifted her position, straddling DA’s hips. “All guys think about are their dicks. They just fuck and run.” She stared hungrily into DA’s eyes. “I hear it’s different with a woman, they understand each other. They know what the other wants.” She slid her hand under DA’s shirt and fondled her breast through her bra. DA froze as heat shot to her chest and face, making it hard to breathe. “Oh, you’re blushing.” Janet observed as she moved her hands up DA’s chest to rest hotly on her shoulders. “Don’t tell me I’m your first?”  
Janet climbed off of DA and took her hands in her own, pulling her up out of her desk chair. They stood together in the center of the room, DA breathing hard, Janet looking impatient.  
“Take command.” Janet instructed as if this were obvious. “Kiss me.”  
DA balked slightly and Janet’s grip on her hands tightened threateningly. “Do it!” She said, eyes flashing.  
Her heart racing, DA slowly leaned in and pressed her lips against Janet’s. Janet’s lips immediately parted and she let out a deep, throaty moan. DA pulled back.  
“Oh just relax and kiss me.” Janet said with an annoyed sigh, pulling her close and wrapping her arms around her waist, constricting them together. DA hesitantly kissed her again, pushing her tongue into Janet’s mouth this time. She jumped as Janet squeezed her ass but was wrapped too close around Janet for it to break their kiss.  
They fell backwards onto Janet’s bed, Janet landing on top of DA, pinning her down. Not that it mattered; DA was finding it rather hard to think, let alone move.  
Janet moved slowly over her, kissing her cheek, her neck, her collar, the expanse of fabric covering her breast. With her head positioned between DA’s breasts, she looked up at her.  
“Undress me.” Janet commanded. The past few minutes seemed to have finally found the off switch in DA’s brain. She didn’t think as she sat up and pulled Janet’s shirt off over her head. Her fingers fumbled with the button and zipper on Janet’s pants and she pulled them off Janet’s hips. Janet stood up to kick her pants off and pull her panties down. She let DA struggle with her bra for a moment before reaching down to help her. Fully naked, Janet stretched out on the bed next to DA.  
“You should be on top.” She scolded her. Slowly, she slid her naked form under DA, arching her back and wrapping one arm around DA’s neck. DA straddled Janet, still wearing all her clothes. She didn’t know what to do. Should she undress too? Did Janet just want her to do it or did she expect her to touch her first?  
Janet broke DA’s worrying by grabbing her hands and pulling them down to her breasts.   
“Touch me.” Then she lay back and closed her eyes.  
DA ran her hands over Janet’s breasts, eliciting several moans. Following Janet’s squirming, DA let her hands trace down over Janet’s stomach and come to rest on her hips.  
Janet’s eyes flew open and she grabbed DA’s right hand and pulled it down between her legs. “Get your fingers down there and get to work.” She told DA. Then she lay back again and spread her legs wide.   
Her hand already in way too deep, DA felt her way around, unsure of where to focus. Janet was already pretty wet, from time spent alone with Jeremy she had no doubt. DA knew a lot about anatomy. But apparently research was no substitute for experience when it came to sex. She touched a few places, her fingers fumbling and hesitating.   
Beginning to get impatient, Janet leaned up and roughly kissed DA again.   
“Come on DA. Let’s have some fun.”

It was only once Janet was fast asleep in her own bed later that night that the enormity of what had just happened hit DA hard. She buried her face in her hands and turned into her pillow. Tears pricked her eyes. She had just lost her virginity. To Janet.


	2. Servant of a higher master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DA begins to question the nature of her current friendships...and realizes there may be more to one than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See warnings/notes in chapter 1.

"Hormones and sex are sometimes lovers, sometimes enemies but always partners in that they both suck."

“DA… oh yes Dorothy Ann….”  
Da shifted her weight so she could get a better angle but never stopped her motion against Janet’s clit. Janet moaned and lifted her hips off the bed as DA thrust deeper into her. The two girls were on Janet’s bed, Janet was completely naked and writhing demonically as DA’s fingers pleasured her. It gave DA a grim sort of pleasure that Janet would moan and shout her name when she climaxed, not that of whatever boy she was currently thinking of. She dug her fingers in harder as she felt Janet come against her hand.  
“OHHHHH…!” Janet shuddered and was still except for the rapid rising and falling of her chest. DA took a few deep breaths before she rolled off of Janet and reached for a tissue to clean her hand.  
Behind her, Janet had recovered and sat up but didn’t reach for her clothes. Instead, she ran her fingers slowly through DA’s loose hair. “You really should let this down more often…” She told DA in the low, seductive voice she only used before their “relations” (as she called them).  
“It gets in my way.” DA said, focusing on cleaning her fingers, determined not to get sucked into a second round. She had too much to do tonight. Janet, however was persistent, she kept cutting new patterns through DA’s locks and massaging her fingers through DA’s scalp. For some reason, part of Janet’s necessary “foreplay” always involved taking DA’s hair out of her carefully done ponytails and running her fingers slowly through it as DA undressed her.  
DA stood up, dislodging Janet’s hand from her hair and threw away the tissue. She buttoned her shirt back up and reached for her hairbrush. Tonight, part of the seduction had involved Janet demonstrating her incredible oral abilities by undoing several of the buttons on DA’s shirt. She’d made it about halfway before she’d gotten bored and demanded DA fuck her right then and there. Janet was the only one of them who got fully naked during their bouts of sex. Occasionally she’d make DA take off her shirt but the most Janet had ever demanded to see of her sex partner was her bra-clad breasts.  
As DA began to pull the brush through her hair, Janet sighed dramatically and stood up. “Well, I’m out of here then.”  
DA glanced at the clock on her open laptop screen. 11:30pm. “Where are you going?” She asked.  
Janet shrugged. “The night is still young, I’m going to take a shower than hit up a few frats and see who wants to get some of this tonight.” She reached inside her closet for her towel and shower items.  
“Who else besides me?” DA asked flatly as she put her brush down and reached for her hair ties.  
Janet turned back to face her, still shirtless. DA saw her snide face and perky breasts reflected in the mirror above her desk. “Don’t flatter yourself, darling.” Janet said to her. “You don’t have to ‘get’ any of this. You just pick up the slack when someone else can’t. Because I hate to be kept waiting.” Then she wrapped herself in her towel and left the room.  
DA finished tying her first ponytail back up. Janet’s words didn’t hurt DA as much as they might’ve before, back when she still cared. The secret affair of the cruelly mismatched roommates had been going on for the better part of three months and over that time, DA had improved considerably. She had tackled sex like she tackled the grade curve: through study, discipline and constant reinforcement. Her enjoyment of it however, had not changed. Two, or sometimes even three nights a week, Janet would come back to the room early, grab DA’s face and stick her tongue in her mouth. Even though her heart wasn’t in it, DA knew she had little choice but to respond and give Janet what she wanted. She knew Janet didn’t consider their “having fun” as “real sex” but she took her victories where she could in regard to making it seem like it was rather than admit to what it really was: blackmail. Janet was keeping quiet about her roommate’s ‘sexual preferences’ so long as said roommate delivered on demand. All DA wanted in return was recognition that she was the one dominating Janet in the carnal sense, never the other way around. Was it really too much to ask to be considered an actual sexual encounter and not just a masturbation toy?  
As she moved to brush her hair again, DA caught her own gaze in the mirror and froze. The brush fell back to her side as she stared searchingly into her own eyes. She really didn’t know why she kept doing this. It wasn’t just the knowledge that Janet had such power over her that made her do it in the first place. DA would never admit it to herself but, when Janet roughly grabbed her and started flirting, her heart would begin to race. Her mind lost its loud, keen edge and she became a slave to her carnal desires. It fascinated and repelled her, the things that happened to her when she gave into this, the satisfaction of pleasuring her partner. But then the sex would end and the shame would come, the guilt, the feeling of being nothing more than a cheap whore or a one-night stand. Janet’s experiment.  
She ran a hand over her breast, down past her stomach to rest over her pelvis. Janet never touched her, not in the same way DA touched her. Sure there was foreplay but it never extended past anything more than what DA considered teasing. Janet liked to be touched but didn’t care too much to return the gesture. Half the time, she got bored with seducing and jumped right on top of DA, demanding sex. But regardless, it was satisfying to DA to see her bossy, dominating roommate reduced to a writhing mass of sweaty pleasure simply by the touch of her fingers.  
Thoughts like that were what kept her from being entirely disgusted with herself for what she was doing.  
Unable to keep looking at herself, DA turned away and reached for her other hair tie. The simple solution would be to come clean or, as the gay community put it, to come out. Then Janet would have nothing against her and she could be free. Free to do… what? She’d never dated anyone, had no crushes, nothing to go on. There still wasn’t a lot of evidence that she was a lesbian besides her warped sense of pleasure from fucking Janet. Maybe she was bi?  
The bathroom was right across the hall. As the shower began to run, DA’s phone burst into song at her side. Still in the process of putting in her last ponytail, she answered one-handed without looking. “Hello.”  
“Hello? DA?”  
Dorothy Ann jumped slightly at the unexpected voice at the other end of the phone. “Wanda?”  
“Yeah. Hey!”  
“Wow.” DA leaned back in her chair. “It’s been so long, I feel like I haven’t talk to you in forever.”  
“I know!” Wanda sounded peppy and energetic. Just like always. A smile was creeping over DA’s face.  
“So what’s up?” she asked.  
“You’re at Harvard right?”  
“Yup.”  
“I’ll be up there next weekend to see Arnold. We should get coffee or something. Catch up and talk.”  
DA was smiling in earnest now. “Sure. Yeah, I’d like that.”  
“Great! Say, Sunday afternoon?”

DA blew gently on her frozen fingers in a vain effort to warm them. She should have known that if Wanda said 2:30, she meant 2:45. A brisk early-winter chill had swept through the north-east that afternoon, forcing those who dared to venture out to wrap themselves in several warm layers. The café the two friends had agreed to meet at was heated and warm but also crowded with serious studiers and rowdy college students alike. DA had just barely managed to secure two seats next to the drafty window. Now she waited alone.  
When she tired of watching the street and constantly checking her watch and the door, she reached for her bookbag. It was the same one from her elementary school days. The frayed bright pink strap always made DA feel better and the books she was carrying lighter. She didn’t use it so much for school anymore but it still functioned nicely for days like today, when she didn’t anticipate needing a lot of books.  
After a minute’s fumbling, she managed to extract the latest copy of Astronomy, a monthly science journal full of the kind of research she longed to be doing. Flipping to the exact middle, she found the place she had last stopped and resumed reading.  
She was interrupted a few minutes later as a shadow fell over the words she was reading. “Do you ever stop working?”  
She looked up and smiled. “Nope.”  
Wanda slid into the seat DA had been saving. “What are you reading there?” She asked, shrugging off her heavy coat.  
DA laid the journal flat on the table. “It’s about a new prediction for a meteor shower.” She told Wanda. She pointed at the diagram: an impressive rendering of a rock passing through Earth’s atmosphere and bursting into flame. “In about ten years, a huge storm of rocks is going to pass through the Earth’s atmosphere. The rocks will be just small enough that they will be incinerated but large enough that they will light up the entire sky. They say it’s going to be brief but spectacular.”  
Wanda was unwinding her scarf, not paying the slightest bit of attention to the impressive diagrams and calculations in the article but listening all the same. “Sounds great. Are you going to watch it?”  
DA closed the journal and began to put it away. “That’s in ten years Wanda, who knows what’s going to be happening then.”  
Wanda nudged her playfully. “I thought you planned your life out in ten-year increments?”  
“Four years.” DA shot back.  
Wanda laughed loudly, causing several heads in the café to turn.  
Blushing at the attention, DA put a restraining hand on Wanda’s shoulder. “How’s life on the Hill?” She asked.  
Wanda was a fierce member of the Big Red, otherwise known as Cornell University. She showed this pride today by wearing her Homecoming penny over several other black and red layers marked by the Cornell seal and a bright red Big Red hat. Wanda shrugged in response to DA’s question. “Same old. Cold as hell and grossly overpopulated with Asians.”  
DA closed her eyes in frustration. “Wanda…”  
Wanda pulled her Cornell hat off her head, making her short hair stand up in frizzy tufts. “What? It’s true and besides I’m Asian.” She sat down and began combing her hair back down with her fingers.  
DA silently counted to five before responding to Wanda’s comment. “That’s not how it works, Wanda…”  
“What? Why can’t I make jokes about those who share my ethnicity who are screwing the grade curve for everyone?”  
DA knew it was better to remain silent than to answer that.  
“Still undecided?” She asked Wanda in a vain attempt to stop Wanda from making racist comments.  
“I’ve got time still.” Wanda replied blowing on her fingers. “Let’s get coffee, it’s colder than Ithaca over here.”

When they returned to the table a little while later with steaming cups (Wanda a mocha frappe and DA a cinnamon hot cider), DA returned to the conversation. “You have to decide sooner or later Wanda. Life isn’t going to wait.”  
Wanda settled back into her seat, giving DA an ‘oh please’ look. “Would you relax DA? Half the school is undecided.” She had pulled the lid off of her drink and was stirring it incessantly in order to make the whipped cream dissolve into the liquid. “That’s what freshman year is for.”  
DA removed the lid from her drink in order to let it cool faster. And to smell the cinnamon. She loved cinnamon. “Freshman year is almost half over Wanda.” DA pointed out.  
Wanda’s face split into a cheeky smile. “Optimistically, I say it’s only half-begun.”  
“Wanda…”  
There was a moment of silence where they both just looked at each other. Finally, Wanda looked away, the smile slipping away. “I’ll figure it out Dorothy Ann.” She said. “I just need some more time.”  
DA’s endless knowledge of facts was bubbling up in her mind, conveniently pulling up relevant information she had read over a year ago when searching for schools to apply for. “You know,” She told Wanda as the statistics floated in her mind’s eye. “Cornell has a great pre-med program. I know you’ve always been interested in medicine and there’s nothing to stop you from trying to…”  
“DA,” Wanda interrupted suddenly. “Stop trying to convince me what I should do.”  
DA was startled at the sudden change in Wanda’s tone. “Wanda, I’m not trying to tell you how to…”  
“Could you just back off?” Wanda seemed annoyed that DA would not let this go. “Can we not make the first thing we do after not seeing each other for four months be me getting a lecture from you?”  
DA flinched slightly and took a sip of her cider, gasping slightly as it burned her tongue. Wanda was quiet too, blowing on her coffee carefully before taking a precautionary sip.  
The silence began to drag. DA didn’t know what to say. She was suddenly realizing just how dissimilar her and Wanda were. How unlikely and precarious this friendship was. Of the friends DA tended to have, most of them were very much like her: intelligent, driven and very sure about where they were going in life and how to get there. She couldn’t help it, DA was just more attracted to people like her who shared her interests and ambitions. Most other people found her constant focus annoying or just made no effort to spend much time with her. The general exception to this universal rule had been her fellow classmates from the year of the Frizz.  
While not all her classmates had been as driven and hard-core as she was (except perhaps Keesha about her acting) DA had found herself unaccountably pulled towards her fellow students, not just as students but as companions.  
Maybe it had been the science-defying field trips, the sense of needing to work together as a team to get themselves out alive or solve a mystery. It had united the classmates in a matter of days and kept the bond strong all through their lives thus far.  
But even then, the attraction wasn’t necessarily equal among those people.  
DA glanced at Wanda. She was staring to the side towards a table of rowdy boys but showed no interest in them or what they were doing (trying to fold the limp, brown napkins into phalluses).  
She and Wanda hadn’t exactly been the closest of friends in Ms. Frizzle’s class or afterwards. While Phoebe and Keesha had been constant companions, Wanda and DA hardly ever voluntarily joined forces. In fact, they never had. All the times they’d ended up working together was when Ms. Frizzle had told them too. DA had been much more comfortable around Tim and (eventually) Carlos and Ralphie. They were who she had spent most of her elementary school days hanging out with. If she ever spent time with her girlfriends, it was usually Phoebe who she went to and occasionally Keesha. Wanda had spent most of her time with Arnold ever since they’d met and had showed little indication of being that close to anyone else in the group, even now. Truth be told, DA wondered if this was the first time she and Wanda had been alone together for an extended period of time. In fact, the only reason they had really stayed friends was because the rest of the group had stayed together.  
So why me? DA asked herself, taking another sip of her now- lukewarm cider. Why does she suddenly want to see only me? Why now?  
“Our fingers are the same length.” DA snapped out of her thoughts and looked at Wanda.  
“Huh?”  
Wanda pointed to DA’s hand where it gripped her coffee cup. “They’re the same length, look!”  
She gently took DA’s right hand in her own and pressed their palms together. DA was stunned, their fingertips did indeed line up perfectly.  
“How does that even make sense?” DA said, the discomfort of the recent past fading away. She pressed her hand against Wanda’s and examined the match. “I’m at least five inches taller than you.”  
Wanda laughed. “I have large hands.”  
“Huge.” DA corrected.  
“Huge? Is that the best the famous DA can come up with?” Wanda teased with a waggle of her eyebrows.  
DA grinned back. “You’re right. I’ll give them gargantuan.”  
Without warning, Wanda began to cry. It was subtle but DA could see it. Wanda didn’t sob when she cried or get all blotchy and red-eyed the way DA did. Somehow it was neat and almost pretty the way the tears ran in perfectly straight lines down her face.  
“Wanda? What’s wrong?” The hand against hers was shaking. DA didn’t know what to do. Was it something she’d said? She’d never known Wanda to cry like this. Well, except for that time her toy soldier had been accidentally recycled but she had been nine at the time… “What is it?”  
Wanda took a calming, shuddering breath. “Promise me something DA?”  
“What?”  
Wanda laced their fingers together. “Promise me that we’ll always be close enough to tell each other everything?”  
It didn’t take a rocket scientist’s mind like Dorothy Ann’s to figure out what Wanda meant. “What do you need to tell me, Wanda?” Although her tone was comforting, DA was worried. Wanda was the strong one. Wanda was the one who wasn’t bothered by anything. Wanda was tough. Hard.  
Wanda squeezed DA’s hand. “I’m worried.” She admitted.  
“About what?”  
“Everything.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Wanda shifted slightly in her chair. “I just, I look at everyone else and, I don’t know. They’ve got it all figured out. With school and relationships and just fucking life. Their lives are perfect!”  
An image of Janet kissing her popped into DA’s mind. “Oh please, Wanda of everyone, I’m probably the worst example of the best put-together…”  
“Not all of us have known exactly what we’ve wanted to do since we were eight!” Wanda interrupted, a tear rolling down her cheek. “Keesha was always the actress, Phoebe was always the activist, you were always the astronomer.” She looked up at DA who was currently a little thunderstruck at Wanda opening up like this. “What was I? I changed ambitions faster than most people drew breath. And I still do. I need some guidance.”  
Their fingers were still clasped tightly but DA felt no need to pull away. She knew it was comforting to Wanda. “Why are you asking me?”  
Wanda rolled her eyes even as they glistened with yet unshed tears. “You know stuff. You’ve always known stuff. You were the one everyone said couldn’t get it wrong. You knew where you were going and how to get there. And I…” She swallowed hard and took another deep breath. “I could really use some of that certainty now.” Another tear ran down her face but she didn’t bother to wipe it away.  
“On top of all that, me and Arnold are… well, changing. He was always the thing I could count on, steady and reliable even as I changed. But… lately, it just hasn’t been like it used to be. I mean, in high school we had sex all the time, lots of it and it was all amazing.”  
Normally upon hearing this, DA would have interrupted and asked to be spared any further details. She had never particularly cared to hear what went on with Arnold and Wanda behind closed doors (and open doors if the stories were true). But something in Wanda’s voice gave her pause.  
“But last night…” Wanda was saying. “I don’t know, I guess I just got my hopes up too high… it was… different. Seeing him and being with him was… it didn’t feel like it used to.”  
DA sighed thoughtfully but didn’t have to think long before answering. “Well, I don’t think that’s any reason to write-off the relationship.”  
Wanda sniffled. “You don’t?”  
“Wanda, just because you guys have one bad sexual encounter after a long time spent apart doesn’t mean your relationship is ruined! You guys had a great relationship in high school sure but people change in college. Circumstances change. Maybe you two just need to adapt to that or accept that maybe it’s time to move on.”  
Wanda took a deep, shaky breath and wiped her nose with her napkin. “Wow, when did the bookworm get so good at relationship advice?” She joked.  
“What do you think I’ve been reading all this time?”  
Wanda chuckled though a hiccup but DA kept a straight face. It wasn’t a joke. Keeping Janet entertained required a lot of knowledge and creativity. Her library record was equal parts impressive and shameful.  
“How about you?” Wanda asked.  
DA looked at her. “What?”  
“There must be somebody in your life by now.” Wanda squeezed her hand and smiled devilishly. Who’s claimed the famous Dorothy Ann’s heart?”  
DA found she didn’t even hesitate to answer. “No one.” She told Wanda coldly. She pulled her hand out of Wanda’s and took a sip of her chilly cider. “Still no one.”

The light was off when DA returned later that night. She entered the room quietly, without turning on a light so as not to disturb Janet. Her and Wanda had spent some more time walking around campus, reminiscing about old times and telling each other stories about their lives. When the sun had set, Wanda had headed back to her car for the long drive back to Cornell. Finding herself in a surprisingly good mood, DA had gone to the library for the first time in a month and spent a few blissful hours studying star maps.  
DA silently made her way over to her desk, feeling her way in the dark and placed a few books down next to her laptop. She bent over to untie her shoes.  
It had been so long since DA had just hung out with anyone. All her spare time was taken up by Janet nowadays and she had to spend as much remaining time studying as possible to keep her grades up after this new distraction had arisen.  
DA pulled off one of her shoes. Being with Wanda had just been so refreshing. So relaxing. She had forgotten what it was like to have a close friend nearby that she could talk to and laugh with. The rest of the gang had gone their separate ways for college: Tim had headed up to MIT on a prestigious engineering scholarship, Carlos was off to nearby Amherst College to follow his ambitions to be a lawyer. Keesha had gotten a partial scholarship to NYADA and Ralphie a full one for baseball and hockey at University of Michigan, pursuing degrees in education and creative writing. Phoebe had started her pre-vet schooling with a hefty financial package to her name at (Virginia Tech) and DA and Arnold had both gotten full rides to Harvard. They had been in college for almost one whole semester now and hadn’t seen or talked to each other once. She hadn’t even seen Arnold lately, Harvard was a big campus, geology was nowhere near astronomy. DA hadn’t realized how much she missed them all.  
Tomorrow night, I’ll give Keesh and Feebs a call. She decided as she kicked off her other shoe. I’ll see if Tim wants to meet up over break. Arnold and I can carpool home and get lunch with Ralphie and Carlos sometime before the holidays. And I’ll confirm another meeting time with Wanda.  
She hoped it wouldn’t be too far off.  
“There you are.” DA suddenly straightened up and spun around. Janet flicked on the lamp next to her bed. The light came up, curling over Janet’s breasts and creating a shadow in her cleavage. She parted her legs and the light rushed in to chase away the shadows. It glinted off of the handcuffs keeping one of her hands and both of her feet chained to the posts of the bed. A horse-whip was curled in her free hand. She pointed at DA with it.  
“Come on, I’ve been waiting…”


	3. Grad School Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grad school brings new challenges...and new revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See warnings/notes in chapter 1.

"It’s always when you’re too busy to care that life becomes too much to handle."

The whistling kettle broke DA’s concentration on her calculations. She quickly turned off the burner and lifted the screaming metal off the heat.  
“Did you make tea?”  
“Get off your computer and come find out!” DA hollered up the stairs, her voice reverberating around the tiny kitchen.  
“I’m busy! Can’t you just bring some up?”  
Her tea poured, DA was already returning to her notes and calculations. “I’m your roommate, not your mother Tim!”  
The sound of an exasperated sigh drifted down the stairs. “Okay, okay… you sure sound like my mother…”  
“I heard that!”  
Tim chuckled as he entered the kitchen. “Busted!” He grinned sheepishly. “Am I grounded?”  
DA gave him a look but it was broken by a smile. “I’ll let you off with a warning this time, where’s Carlos?”  
Tim shrugged as he plucked a mug off of the pile of half-washed dishes that he was supposed to have finished cleaning last night. “Not sure, either at the library or slowly suffocating under piles of books in his room.”  
DA sighed hopelessly. “I’ll never understand how he ended up being the booky one after all this time…” She muttered.   
Tim shook his head as he steeped his tea. “Even after living here with him for three years, that man is still an enigma.”  
DA nodded in agreement, blowing on her tea. “Give him a call for me would you? I’d hate to have to extract him from under an avalanche of papers again.”  
Tim saluted her with his free hand and retreated back upstairs with his tea. DA remained in the kitchen, carefully placing her tea in a clear spot among all her star charts and calculations.  
The romps with Janet of course had to end eventually. It took DA until the end of her sophomore year to finally put enough distance between herself and Janet to make their little “experiment” too inconvenient to pursue (their sophomore rooming assignment had somehow placed them at opposite ends of the same hallway. DA had good reason to suspect Janet had had something to do with that). But thankfully after that, DA had finally found her freedom.  
And had promptly used it to get the prestigious Newton Lacy Pierce award from the American Astronomical Society after her junior year and graduate Harvard early to start her Ph.D degree at MIT.  
A year later, Tim had graduated and decided to continue his Masters work at MIT as well. DA couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. Then again, after Janet it was kind of hard to complain about anything.   
Carlos had joined the pair a few months later after he’d switched law schools when he received an offer from Harvard Law. In DA’s opinion, he was not an ideal roommate but again, Janet was tough to top. So she endured Carlos’s seemingly never-ending jokes, late night drinking games and sloppy habits so that rent was lower and she had someone to cry to when her grant proposals were rejected. Carlos may be a smart-ass idiot but he still had a soft side for DA.   
Tim was working on his masters in the engineering department. After three years, he was nearly done and mentioned it nearly every chance he got, a fact which was starting to get on DA’s nerves. She might still have years to go. She hated every tedious moment that kept her from her Ph.D.  
Her phone rang shrilly at her side and DA rolled her eyes at the interruption. But she smiled when she saw the caller-id.  
“Hey Phoebe! How are things?”  
“Still cold.”  
DA laughed. “That’s your own damn fault.”  
Phoebe had moved out to Colorado for a year to work on her thesis. Like DA, she was also working towards a Ph.D. Halfway through college, she had decided she wasn’t cut out for the vet program and had switched to research-oriented work. DA had to admit, she’d never seen Phoebe happier than these past six years.  
“You can still pick me up from the airport next Saturday right?” Phoebe asked. Phoebe was finally finishing her year in the mountains of the Rocky State and was returning to the east coast where she would pick up her normal grad work in the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry.  
“Not a problem, Feebs.” DA promised, immensely glad that Phoebe had called to remind her. “I’ll be there.” Phoebe was moving into the already kind-of crowded apartment for two weeks before her lease in Syracuse would start. While DA was glad she’d get to see Phoebe for awhile, the thought of sharing the apartment with yet another body was making her feel claustrophobic.   
“Great! Flight 2357, gate 12. Should be in around 3pm.”  
DA hurriedly scribbled the details on the edge of her planner, assuring Phoebe that she would remember. Then she made her excuses and hung up.  
But barely three seconds after she had hung up with Phoebe, someone knocked on the apartment door. DA sighed exasperatedly. Was it too much to ask to be able to work uninterrupted for a little while?  
Cooling tea in hand, she marched to the door and wrenched it open.  
She hadn’t been expecting this visitor.  
“Wanda? What is it?”  
The Asian smiled wanly at DA. “We need to talk.” Was all she said.  
DA knew what that tone meant. Setting her tea back on the table, she grabbed her keys, wallet and phone. “I’ll drive.”

“The money’s just not there.” Wanda said, knocking back a shot of whiskey. “I’m working two jobs just to make ends meet. I’m going to need a lot more money to finish paying off my debts before I can even think about trying to start a residency.” Whiskey gone, Wanda reached for the full beer glass and took a hearty swallow.  
DA took a swig of her own beer. The bar was quite crowded for a Wednesday evening but it mostly seemed to be college kids from the university down the road. Dunbar’s was notorious for good cheap beer and sloppy ID checks. DA appreciated one but not the other.   
Wanda put her glass back down only once she’d chugged the whole thing. “Plus Arnold is getting all serious all of the sudden, talking about getting married and buying a house and…”  
“Wait… Wait!” DA interrupted, feeling the alcohol shoot up her sinuses as she inhaled in surprise. “He proposed to you? When?”   
Wanda shook her head, her long hair swinging. Recently, the Asian had been letting her hair grow out. It now reached past her shoulders and tickled the middle of her back on the rare occasions that she let it down. DA found she rather liked this new look. It made Wanda look older, more responsible. She supposed that was why Wanda had done it.  
“No, no he hasn’t asked yet.” Wanda said as she stifled a belch. “But… I think at this point it’s just a matter of time.”  
She sighed as DA’s nose twitched with an oncoming sneeze.  
“I broke up with him.”  
DA had to sneeze mightily before she could answer. “You did what?” She choked out.  
Wanda shuffled the beer glass around the table. “Well… not so much broke up as… told him I needed some space…”  
“What did he say?”  
Wanda hesitated. “He said it was okay with him. He said he didn’t want me to rush into anything.” She tilted her glass to her lips but it was empty even of dregs. “I mean, he’s the only guy I’ve ever dated. Don’t you think it’s a little stupid to just devote yourself to one person when you don’t know what’s out there?”  
DA nodded absentmindedly and picked up her beer again. Wanda had gone back to toying with her empty glass silently.  
Wanda had finally made a decision following her freshman year: premed. And she had surprised everyone in the Frizzle gang by graduating in the top 10% of her class and getting accepted to University of Massachusetts Medical College. She lived just far enough away that she could visit the MIT gang on weekends but couldn’t live with them. Arnold didn’t live with the MIT group, preferring instead to have his own apartment just off of the main Harvard campus. Arnold was still at Harvard for his Ph.D but DA had heard rumors he was going to be moving out to Arizona with his advisor. Perhaps that was why he was suddenly getting so serious.   
“How are the flying lessons going?” DA asked.  
Wanda perked up instantly, just like DA knew she would. “Great! They think I’m a natural!”  
DA smiled. “Really? That’s great!”  
Wanda nodded proudly. She always came alive when she talked about flying. Her face lit up and no matter what the previous conversation had been about, she would let that melt all away as she described how to properly angle a starboard bank of 70 degrees. She always told DA about it because DA understood all the physics Wanda had had to study for her lessons.   
“Yup. They say I can be ready for the qualification exam in two months!”  
At a trivia night in this very bar a few years back, Wanda had miraculously won those free flying lessons at a nearby air field. It had truly been a godsend. Otherwise, Wanda never would have been able to follow her childhood dream of flying.  
“Then again,” Wanda said, grinning. “not everyone had their first flying lesson in a model plane when they were the size of a peanut.”   
DA chuckled, remembering the plane trip with astounding clarity. Then again, being shrunk and lost in a toy airplane was not something easy to forget.  
Wanda sighed dramatically, her eyes still shining from the nostalgia. “So that’s my life, what’s up with you?”  
DA set her glass down. “What makes you think something’s up?”  
“If something wasn’t up, you’d have just made me tea and stayed at the apartment.” Wanda pointed out with a sly grin. “So, since we’re here in Dunbar’s drinking, I have to conclude that you are also trying to drown your sorrows. Out with it.”  
DA leaned forward, holding back a smile. Wanda really had gotten better at reading her, the cunning old girl.  
“Well, for starters, I can’t get a moment to myself at home.” She confessed. “I can’t go back to the lab yet or Professor Nova is going to ask for my latest analysis which I haven’t finished yet. My last grant proposal got rejected so now it’s just down to the National Science Foundation. And to top it all off, I can’t get time on the ANOVA telescope until next month at the earliest… what? What is it?”   
Wanda was chuckling. “Sorry, it’s just… Do you ever have normal-people problems?” She asked.  
“What?”  
“All you ever complain about is work, surely there’s something else in your life?”  
DA leaned back in her chair and took another sip of her beer. “Nope.”  
Wanda shook her head. “We have to get you a boyfriend.”  
DA had to physically restrain herself from stiffening. “That’s not necessary.”   
Wanda placed a gentle hand on her arm. “Come on DA, you need someone in your life.”  
DA gently brushed her off. “I’m too busy for myself right now, let alone anyone else.” She stood up. “I’ll get the refills.” She picked up the beer glasses but ignored Wanda’s shot glass. Wanda didn’t need anymore hard stuff tonight.  
DA made her way up to the bar, balancing the empty glasses in her hand. Okay, so having freedom from Janet hadn’t made her more confident. Or inclined to seek out a real girlfriend. It made perfect sense in her head: she’d needed to catch up after Janet’s distraction. Then she’d won her first parcel of grant money and dived right into her work. She wasn’t the only one in her department who didn’t have time for relationships. Heck, only her advisor had a steady relationship and that was because he’d married a woman who was also in his field.  
DA set the glasses down at the bar and called for refills. That still didn’t really explain why she still hadn’t told anyone. Not even Wanda knew. And Wanda knew her better than any of them.   
“Here you go then love.” The bartender, a bosomy female with short, curly black hair set DA’s drinks down.  
DA nodded her thanks and reached into her pocket but found it empty. “Oh crap… my wallet’s at the table…”  
The bartender waved a hand. “That’s alright…” She leaned forward over the bar, batting her eyelashes. “these ones are on me, hot stuff.”  
DA felt her stomach tighten. “R… right. Th… thanks…”  
The woman leaned over more, making her cleavage strain against her uniform. “No need to stutter love, I’m not going to hurt you.” She smiled seductively. “Not unless you want me to, tight ass.”  
DA was certain her blush was visible even in this dim lighting. Mumbling incoherently, she grabbed the drinks and made a run for it, narrowly dodging a waiter with a tray full of finger food. Behind her, she heard the barmaid laughing.  
“What took you so long?”   
DA took a deep breath before answering Wanda. “Got into a friendly chat with the bartender.” She set the glasses back on the table, a small bubble of foam slipping over the edge of hers and onto the wood of the table.  
Wanda grabbed her drink. “Oh? How friendly?”  
“Oh you know… just… chatting…” DA’s breathing was still a little unsteady. Was she having a panic attack?  
“Hmm…” Wanda said thoughtfully, peering over DA’s shoulder. “Oh… can’t say I approve, DA.”  
DA frantically whipped around but the flirty female bartender had been replaced with a scrawny, tattooed blonde man.  
“He’s not your type.” Wanda commented, sipping her beer. “I’d probably give him a go. But only if I were really drunk.”  
“Right… yeah.” DA’s heart was still pounding. This wasn’t the first time she’d been hit on by a woman. Far from it. It was just the really aggressive ones that made her anxious and jittery. Large cleavage certainly didn’t help either. It all brought to mind too many memories of shameful, sweaty nights with a certain red-haired roommate.  
Hand shaking, DA took an unsteady sip of her beer. Aggressive was definitely not her type.  
“Why don’t you date Tim?” Wanda inquired. “You two are practically live-ins anyway.”  
DA swallowed hard before replying in a dry voice. “We’re roommates Wanda.”  
“So? Roommates have dated before, it’s not like you’re siblings.”   
DA lifted her glass again. She should have known Wanda would be slow on the uptake. “Dating people you live with just gets too messy…” She said bitterly.  
Wanda was silent, so long that DA began to worry. Eventually she looked up, wondering what it was that had made Wanda so unresponsive.   
Wanda was staring at her with wide eyes. Her mouth was slightly open, a tiny bit of foam clinging to the corner of her lip.  
DA found she had to force herself to look away from that. “What?”  
“Oh my god,” Wanda finally said. “you’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”  
DA didn’t even flinch. “He has a girlfriend Wanda.” She said flatly. This was true. Tim was currently dating someone named Stephanie, a fellow engineering grad student. DA had met her maybe twice. Not well enough to really know her but enough to know she wasn’t made up.   
“Well, what about Carlos?” Wanda asked. “You guys dated in high school, I’m sure you could…”  
“Carlos and I are too much like siblings, it didn’t work then and it won’t work now.”  
Wanda took another sip of beer, finally washing away that stupid spot of foam. “Why are you making this so difficult?” She asked DA. “I know Tim and Carlos aren’t exactly prime material but come on, you could do a hell of a lot worse.”  
“Did it occur to you that maybe I don’t want to date in the circle of my closest friends?” The beer glass was shaking in DA’s fist but for an entirely different reason than her angry tone of voice implied.  
Wanda didn’t notice. “Well okay. Who else do you know?”  
“Why is this so important to you?” DA was already feeling uncomfortable, this conversation wasn’t helping.  
“You’re my best friend, I want you to be happy.”  
“I am happy.”  
“You’re just saying that because you don’t know any better.” Wanda chastised her. “Come on, it’ll be good for you to at least get it on with someone. Blow off some steam.”  
DA could feel her ears burning. “Maybe I don’t want to.”  
“Why not? What’s wrong with a little bit of recreational sex?”  
“Just, drop it Wanda.”  
“But come on DA, I’m just trying to…”  
“I said drop it!” DA snapped, slamming her glass back down on the table.   
Wanda’s cheeks flamed red for an instant, than she lowered her head and absorbed herself in her drink. DA was trying to calm down but there was a funny churning sensation in her lungs that wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t often that DA lost her cool. Neither of them said anything as the ruckus of the bar filled the silence. DA let it go on. She needed the noise, the distraction to clear her head.   
She needed to make the jitters go away.

The drive back to DA’s apartment was as silent as their last drink at Dunbar’s had been. DA was feeling buzzed but clear-headed enough to drive. It took a lot of alcohol to get her drunk.  
“Do you think I did the right thing?”  
Startled at the break in her silence, DA turned to Wanda. “What?”  
“Breaking up with Arnold.”  
“I really don’t know Wanda.” DA was honestly tired of answering relationship questions for Wanda. Honestly it seemed like there was one a month sometimes. Didn’t Wanda talk to Arnold at all?   
“Well, you’re the logical one, what would you do?” Oblivious as always, Wanda was still pressing her.   
DA didn’t answer. She really didn’t know. She’d only ever broken up with Carlos and that was because it hadn’t felt right. How was it Wanda kept thinking she held all of the answers for relationship stability?  
“I really don’t know Wanda. I’m not the best for long-term relationship advice.” No boyfriends save Carlos. No girlfriends unless Janet was supposed to count. Her life was dominated by her work. And that was how she liked it.  
Wanda’s fingers gently brushed hers and despite herself, DA found her hand moving to grip Wanda’s. Their perfectly matched fingers twined together as they so often did these days.   
“Remember our last day with Ms. Frizzle?” Wanda asked quietly. Even seventeen years later, it was still a sensitive subject.   
The memory brought a bittersweet smile to DA’s face. “The day we learned about partners?” She asked, her voice catching in her throat.   
Wanda laughed. “Yeah, and we got turned into gobi fish and pistol shrimp and sharks and remoras and anemones and hermit crabs because I was so eager to be alone?”  
DA pursed her lips as she remembered. “How things change.” 

She caught hold of Wanda’s ankle. “Not so fast, Wanda. We’ve got to stick together. We’re partners, remember?”   
Wanda turned around, visibly annoyed. “What good did a partner ever do anyone anyway?” DA felt herself stiffen. Why was Wanda making this so hard? All they had to do was stick together, it wasn’t like she was trying to stop her!  
Why had Ms. Frizzle even partnered them together? She got along much better with Tim or even Ralphie! Wanda was difficult, impulsive and clearly happier alone. Was it just because they were the leftovers? Keesha and Ralphie, Tim and Carlos and Arnold and Phoebe. There was no way her and Wanda had been intended to be partners.  
Ms. Frizzle swam over. “Good question Wanda…” There was a familiar twinkle in her eye. A twinkle they had all come to anticipate with equal parts fear and excitement. “Liz.” She called.   
“Oh no!” Wanda shouted, waving her hand in protest. “Wait! I take back the question!”  
But it was too late. Liz pressed a button and next second, the tingling began. DA could inexplicably feel herself floating between states, not quite human and not quite whatever Ms. Frizzle’s magic bus was doing to them. This feeling both fascinated and terrified her. For that split second, she was nothing. Just a speck of dust in the universe. Nothing. Worthless.  
It was only when the spinning stopped that she became worth something again.

That was their last day. The last day they had been on a life-changing, perspective altering, magic-induced field trip. The last day they’d seen Ms. Frizzle. Well, the last day they’d seen her alive.   
DA could see a single tear slip down Wanda’s cheek as she remembered what that day had meant. “Well… I guess I’m afraid of commitment.” Wanda said. “That’s really my problem.” She glanced at DA. “I think you are too.”  
DA smiled sadly, weighing Wanda’s hand in her own. Maybe that was true. Or maybe she just had never trusted anyone enough. “I just haven’t found the right person yet.” Was all she said.  
Wanda squeezed her hand. “I think that’s because you’re not looking.”  
With those words, something finally snapped into place in DA’s mind. The hand in hers suddenly felt like it was burning her. A memory she hadn’t thought of in years at last burst through to the forefront of her mind and flowered fully into being, commanding her attention. Making her lips feel numb and cold.  
“Go back to Arnold.” Her heart was pounding deafeningly in her ears. She barely heard what she was saying.  
“What?”  
DA sharply pulled her hand from Wanda’s grip. “You love him. Go back, apologize and be with him. It’s what you want.”  
They had reached the apartment again. DA killed the engine and busied herself with collecting her bag.   
“DA what’s gotten into you?” Wanda was trying to meet her eyes. The memory was still stirring up her emotions, making her brain feel empty, making her fingers tingle.  
DA pointedly looked away from her. “Just…… go.”

DA slammed the front door behind her and fell against it heavily. The tears came then; they raced down her face and collected on her chin, dripping to the floor. All the pain, all the loneliness and heartache she felt everyday poured out of her, desperate to be known to the world. She covered her face to muffle her sobs. Still leaning heavily on the door, she slid down to the floor.   
It all made strange, perfect, stupid sense now. She’d been harboring these feelings for years, dismissing it as feelings associated with such a close friendship. Wanda was her best friend. All those talks, the days spent together, the hand-holding. They had been some of the happiest moments of the past six years. Wanda had been her rock. The person she relied on for stability. The thing that never changed in her life. The one she would never, could never have any romantic inclinations towards because their relationship was so profoundly and completely forevermore platonic.  
DA felt like she was choking on her own shaking breaths.  
But no, this… this problem of hers had to ruin even this small shred of happiness, of normalcy for her. She let her mind go on standby for one minute and her heart had swooped in to assert its power.   
DA buried her face deeper into her hands and pressed herself against the door, wishing for the first time in her life that she could become nothing. No more than a speck of dust. That Ms. Frizzle could zap her again and that stupid, momentary feeling that nine-year-old her had hated so much would last forever.   
She loved Wanda.   
Wanda belonged to Arnold.   
And she belonged to no one.


	4. Whiplash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life takes several unexpected turns at a frightening speed and DA finds herself lost in the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See warnings/notes in chapter 1.

"Take chances, make mistakes… yes, I got messy alright."

It was nearly graduation time. DA was whistling and smiling as she walked home from the lab. The sounds and smells of spring rushed by her, lifting her spirits and making her want to dance. Her thesis defense had actually gone well. Astoundingly well. Was that even possible in grad school?  
DA allowed herself a skip as she hopped from crosswalk to sidewalk.  
Her work had gone by astonishingly quickly for someone in such a competitive Ph.D program. DA’s advisor had let slip that DA might be able to be hooded at this years’ graduation a mere four years after beginning her doctorate. It was impossible. Impossible that she had finished this quickly. But she had.  
DA found herself giggling like a child on their birthday. This was finally happening!   
Life was really beginning to look up for the Frizzle gang. Tim had finished his masters and gotten a few contracts in Boston so he was still living in the apartment. Carlos was three years into his law school career and working harder than ever to pass his exams. Phoebe and Arnold were both a year behind DA on their Ph.Ds but making good time (Arnold had ended up switching advisors rather than move to Arizona and Phoebe had returned from Colorado and resumed her work up in Syracuse). Ralphie was living in New York and had published his first book, a sci-fi bestseller entitled: Life Among the Distant Stars. He claimed he had another one well on the way. Keesha finally had her long-overdue first lead role in a movie: The Underground Railroad. Production was taking place in Philadelphia and DA had talked to Keesha about the star’s plans to move to New York once shooting was finished.   
The only one who wasn’t in a good place right now was Wanda. DA’s gait slowed as her thoughts turned to her best friend. Wanda had begun a residency at a hospital in Boston but it was not going well. The hours were terrible, the work difficult and with the amount of budget cuts happening, there was every possibility she would be forced to relocate. To top it all off, Wanda had moved in with Arnold to save much-needed money and the two seemed to do nothing but argue and have make-up sex. That of course led to the pregnancy scare which seemed to do nothing more than cause Wanda more unnecessary stress and pain. And DA heard it all when Wanda came to cry on her shoulder.  
In fact, the only good thing to come out of this past year for Wanda was that she had passed her pilot’s qualification exam quite literally with flying colors. She kept promising DA that one day she’d take her up. DA was waiting anxiously for that day.  
Having reached the door to the apartment building, DA inserted her key and walked into the lobby. Remembering that the elevator was being worked on, she turned left and headed for the stairs, mentally preparing herself for the six floors she’d have to climb to finally reach the bottle of celebratory rum she’d stashed earlier as incentive to work on her thesis for today’s defense. DA began to climb.  
Her ‘feelings’ for Wanda had not changed. Nor were they out in the open. They rested in her heart like a rod of iron and every time she saw Wanda and Arnold kiss or heard about the problems they were having or even just saw Wanda wearing something beautiful, the beating of her heart would pound against the rod, driving it deeper and deeper into her heart. The feeling was always the same: she couldn’t be happy when she heard about the fights because Wanda would be upset, she couldn’t be sad or envious when she saw Arnold because he was her friend and he gave Wanda the support she needed. She couldn’t enjoy admiring Wanda’s beauty because she was her best friend, nothing more. There was a line she dared not cross. A line that glared at her, mocked her and beckoned her forward all at once.  
No, there had ceased to be ‘feelings’. Now, it was always just pain. Pain. The overwhelming but not quite crippling pain that she loved someone she could never be with.  
DA had reached her door, her mood soured somewhat by the direction her thoughts had taken. But, today was not going to be about Wanda or Arnold or anybody else. Today was about her and the amazing work she had accomplished. DA unlocked her door. She was going to get blissfully drunk and have a nice, calm, relaxed evening in alone before she told anyone her good news. Yes, tonight was going to be fun.   
But upon opening the door, she saw someone she never expected to and quite honestly, never wanted to see again.

“There you are.”  
DA was frozen in place. It was like stepping back in time. Like waking up from a blissful dream to remember the reality it had suppressed. She couldn’t move.  
Apparently, she could talk though. “What are you doing here, Janet?”  
The red-head stood up from the table. “Just popping by to visit my old roomie. How’re things?”  
DA’s hand was still gripping the doorknob rather hard. “How did you get in here?” She asked around her clenched teeth.  
“Carlos let me in. But he’s gone now.”  
Like stepping onto a minefield, DA walked to the table and put down her notes and keys. “Gone? Gone where?” She asked.  
Janet shrugged indifferently. “Something about library research. So now it’s just you and me.”  
“What? No! What are you doing here?”  
Janet chuckled. “I see you still haven’t learned to relax…” She reached for DA’s hands but DA flinched back.  
“What do you want?” She spat, trying to muster up venom in her voice.  
Janet seemed neither to notice nor care. “It’s not so much a question of what I want but rather, what I want to remember.” She told DA walking around the table.  
DA didn’t move. “Remember?”  
Janet nodded. “Call it nostalgia, but I actually miss our little nights of fun.”  
“I don’t.”  
Janet leaned back against the table, so that her cleavage popped out at DA from her v-neck. “I think that’s a lie.” She said. She reached up and pulled DA’s face close. DA felt like her limbs had been bathed in ice. “You want to get back to the good old days too, don’t you?”  
Before DA could answer, Janet kissed her.  
DA didn’t want this. She really, really didn’t want to go back to the shameful, torturous, seductive treatment from college. But her body was reacting; her stomach was burning with a fire she had forgotten existed. Her lips parted and Janet’s tongue entered her mouth. Her hands twitched but could not seem to move to Janet’s sides. Janet’s tongue traced along the roof of her mouth making DA exhale a hot gush of air.  
It had been so long since she’d felt anything but pain. Surely, just a little bit of fooling around could only…  
No.  
What was she thinking? This was Janet!  
Janet’s hands slid up the back of her shirt. Maybe this time Janet would touch her not just the other way around…  
“What the hell?!”  
The shout sent DA jumping back from Janet like she had been electrocuted.   
She whirled around, her heart racing.   
“Wanda.” For once, DA was not glad to see her.  
Wanda had a pack of beer in one hand and her spare key in the other. But DA had left the door open.   
For a moment, no one moved or spoke. Then Wanda looked slowly from DA to Janet and back again. “I was… I was just coming by to help you forget your defense…” She said, attempting to gesture with the pack of beer. Her eyes shot back to Janet and her jaw tightened. “But I see someone beat me to it. I’ll leave you two alone.” She placed the beer on the floor and left the apartment.   
“Wanda, wait!” DA tried to go after her but felt a hand grip her arm.   
Janet pulled her close. “I’ll be in the bedroom after you’ve finished explaining…” She said in a husky whisper. DA didn’t even waste time to spare Janet a glance, she wrenched her arm free and dashed after Wanda.  
She was at the other end of the hallway, stalking quickly towards the stairs with stiff, determined steps. “Wanda!” DA called. To her great relief, Wanda stopped at the door to the stairs and turned around to face her.   
“Wanda… what you saw…” DA panted as she caught up to her. “I… I wanted to explain.”  
“What?” Wanda snapped. “Why she had her tongue down your throat?”  
The hatred in her voice made DA cringe. She could understand Wanda being confused but she didn’t think she could handle her being angry. She couldn’t lose Wanda, not like this. “Just!... Just listen please… this is hard for me.” DA begged her. Wanda folded her arms and glared. DA looked away. She swallowed hard. So this was it. “I… I’m… I’m…” She couldn’t get the word out.   
“DA, you don’t have to tell me.” Wanda interrupted. “I… I know.”  
Startled, DA drew in a quick gasp. “You… you know?”  
Wanda nodded stiffly, her arms still folded. “I’ve… I’ve known about you for awhile.” She said.  
DA could feel panic trying to rise in her chest but she squashed it down. “Since when?” She managed to ask.  
Wanda sighed and looked away. “Since… well, it was lots of little things, you know?” She said. “Like how you never seemed interested in guys or never wanted to pick things up with Carlos again. How you… how you act around girls, even…… around me.”  
The words, far from making DA feel better, instead turned her nerves into bitter anger. “Don’t say that Wanda,” She heatedly. “don’t try to relate by making me a stereotype.”  
Wanda took a step back. “Look I just…! I don’t mean it like that! It’s just… deep down… I… I knew something was different about you and I… guess I just knew…” She looked at DA in confusion for a few moments, than her mouth quivered. “But what I can’t understand is… why?”  
“What?” DA asked.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Wanda demanded, her hands curling into fists.  
DA could not answer that honestly. “Wanda, I didn’t tell anyone.” DA said gently.  
“You told Janet.” Wanda retorted.  
“No! I…”  
“And why her?” Wanda asked, blinking hard. “Of all people, why did it have to be her? Don’t you trust me?”  
DA could list a thousand stars and name a hundred methodical calculations for identifying Earth-like planets around binary star systems in the outer arm of the galaxy but she could not answer that question.  
Wanda shook her head. “I can’t believe this… I can’t believe you would do this…” She turned away and wrenched open the door to the stairs. DA grabbed her by the arm.  
“Wanda…please…” But Wanda shook her off.  
“Go back upstairs, DA.” She told her, her voice hard. “Janet’s waiting.”  
DA heard the door slam but couldn’t see anything through her tears.

Wanda’s beer and the rum only lasted so long. And yet, DA still could not bring herself to leave the apartment. The buzzing in her head was the only thing that made it all tolerable.   
So Wanda knew now. The door was open. Why hadn’t it made her feel better?   
Because Wanda hated her for it.  
She raised the bottle to her lips but it was depressingly empty.   
“Dammit…” She slammed the bottle onto the ground, it rolled out of her grip and across the hard floor of the sitting room. She slouched against the wall next to the couch and slid to the floor. So what now?  
“DA?”  
She looked up to find Carlos peering curiously down at her. “Oh!” She paused and hiccupped. “I… I didn’t hear… the door…”  
Carlos raised an eyebrow. “Are you drunk?”  
DA tugged on one of her ponytails, which was in the act of coming undone. “Quite possibly, yes. Definitely.”  
He placed his messenger bag on the couch and shrugged off his jacket. “Wow, thesis went that badly did it?” He joked, kicking at a crumpled up beer can next to the chair.  
DA waved a hand. “Oh no, thesis went great.”  
“Really?”  
She nodded, her head spinning. “They told me I might get hooded at graduation…”  
“Well, that’s fantastic!” Carlos exclaimed, grinning broadly. “Let’s celebrate!”  
“Too late!” DA made a grabbing motion with her hand as if she were trying to grip the bottle that was now resting forlornly against the opposite wall.  
Carlos, who had been on his way back to the kitchen to grab more drinks, paused. “Why’s it too late?” He asked.  
DA hiccupped again. “I already ruined it.”  
Carlos came back and knelt in front of her so that he could look into her face. “What did you ruin?”  
DA shook her head back and forth rapidly. “The mood. I ruined it like I ruin everything! Now it’s just crap. Crap! Crap, crap, crap!” She pounded her fist against the arm of the couch.   
Carlos slid down next to her so that their shoulders were touching and DA fell against him, clutching at his shirt and sobbing like a three-year old.  
“Crap! It’s all over now!” She cried.   
She felt Carlos slide his arm around her and draw her closer and a rush of gratitude flushed through her. But no desire. No lust. No love beyond anything she might’ve felt for a brother or a best friend who wasn’t Wanda.   
“I’m sorry Dorothy Anne.” He said, echoing exactly the sentiment currently running through her mind. “I know it’ll get better, whatever it is. It can’t be ruined for good.”  
She wiped her nose on her wrist. “Why not?”  
Carlos gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Because you’re too smart, you cover your ass in every way possible and then some. You’ll find a way to fix whatever’s wrong, I know you will. Just give it time.”  
DA wished she could tell him, she wished she could open up and spill out everything to him: her feelings for Wanda, the years of struggle with her sexuality, the guilt that she had strung him along and never been able to reciprocate his obvious feelings for her. But she couldn’t. He still thought she was talking about research. About work. About something that was actually fixable.  
All cried out, she sniffed loudly and laid her head on his shoulder. “Why couldn’t we have worked, Carlos?”  
“Because you’ve always hated me.” He replied instantly. “I’ll always piss you off just enough that you can’t love me.” He said before DA could open her mouth to argue back. Carlos smiled and pulled her to her unsteady feet. Then he slipped her arm over his shoulders and let her lean against him. “Come on smarty-pants, let’s get you up to bed. You’re going to need sleep to face this hangover.”

The worst thing about DA’s hangovers wasn’t the headaches or nausea or the guilty feeling that she’d outdone herself the night before. No, it was always the neck pain. She didn’t understand it, maybe while she was drunk she held it in an odd position but every time she had a hangover, her neck would be incredibly stiff and painful. She groggily filled a hot water bottle at the sink and draped it over her neck. As she always did every time she used a hot water bottle, she thought of the Arctic and the properties of insulation and heat dissipation. Her neck twinge and she adjusted the hot water bottle until it covered the spot.   
Alright, she wasn’t going to lab today. She’d defended yesterday, she deserved a day off. Carlos was already at the library, Tim was at work then spending the night with his girlfriend Tina. DA sighed. Looks like she was in for another lonely few hours.  
For the millionth time, she pulled out her phone and checked for a message from Wanda. Nothing.  
She’d had the sense to lock her phone away while she’d been drinking but since she’d woken up this morning, she’d sent four texts to Wanda, all of them apologizing and asking to talk to her.  
Still nothing. She was too afraid to call. What if Wanda didn’t answer? What if she never answered again?  
A pounding on the door made her jump. She ran to it and wrenched it open.  
“Wanda?”  
But it wasn’t Wanda. It was Phoebe.  
“Hey DA.” The Syracuse grad was clutching a duffle bag and wearing a sympathetic smile. “Is this a bad time? You look like hell.”  
DA started to close the door but found Phoebe’s foot was in the way.   
“Go away.” She didn’t want to see anyone but Wanda. No one else could understand.   
“DA, I’m not going anywhere.” DA pushed the door harder but Phoebe’s foot was like a brick. She had completely forgotten that Phoebe was coming down this weekend to celebrate her defense, however good, bad or indifferent the outcome was.   
“Come back later Phoebe.”  
But Phoebe did not remove her foot from the door. “Stop it DA, let me in and let’s talk.”  
“I don’t need to talk.” DA protested.  
“DA,” Phoebe said gently. “I know what a broken heart looks like.”  
DA was silent. “Yeah.” She finally said. “I’m sorry.” She stepped away from the door and let Phoebe enter the apartment.  
Phoebe dropped her duffle bag on the table. “You want to tell me what happened?” She asked as she settled herself in a chair.   
DA shook her head. “It’s a long story.”  
“So is Harry Potter and people still read that.” Phoebe pointed out with a gentle smile.  
The corner of DA’s mouth twitched. “So my thesis went great.” She reluctantly began. “Perfect nearly. They said I can graduate this spring if I want.” DA saw Phoebe’s eyes light up in excitement but Phoebe didn’t say anything. DA appreciated it; Phoebe always had been the best listener. “So I came home yesterday and…… did something stupid. I… I kissed someone I thought I’d moved on from. But then it all went to hell. The person I really want caught me with them and ran off without letting me explain.” She shrugged. “So now it’s all over. I have no chance.” DA knew she was being unfair to Phoebe, giving her so few details but she couldn’t bring herself to tell anyone else. After how Wanda had reacted, she didn’t want to risk losing another friend.  
Phoebe, as was so often her way, was quiet for a few minutes. “DA,” She finally said after awhile. “I know this is going to sound stupid and cliché, but you shouldn’t give up on them. If you really want them, go after it with all your heart and never lose hope.”  
DA snorted. “Right… it does sound stupid.”  
“I mean it!” Phoebe said. “I never thought Arnold and I would happen. But somewhere, deep inside me, I never gave up hope in the possibility, the dream that we would be together. And… finally…” She covered her face with her hand to hide a blush. “He asked me out.”  
It took nearly a full minute for the words to register in DA’s mind. “Wait, you’re going out with Arnold? Tonight?”  
Phoebe nodded, smiling.  
DA pulled the water bottle off her neck and let it fall to the table with a watery plop. “What… what about Wanda?”   
Phoebe tried to mask her beaming smile with a look of sympathy but only half succeeded. “They broke up. About two weeks ago. Apparently, things just weren’t the same between them and Wanda ended it just before Arnold could.”  
“What?”  
Phoebe nodded. “Yeah, and Wanda’s wasting no time in clearing out and moving on. She’s shipping out today in fact.”  
“Shipping out?” DA asked. “For where?”  
“Don’t know, somewhere in Utah?” She gave DA a strange look. “She didn’t tell you?”  
DA shook her head and swallowed hard. “Tell me what?”  
Phoebe gave her another look. “She really didn’t tell you? Honestly, you guys are so close I thought you’d be the first to know.”   
DA gripped her phone hard. “What didn’t she tell me?”  
“Wanda’s joining the Air Force.” Phoebe said. “She’s wanted to finish her med school training properly for awhile but hasn’t had the money. And you know how she’s always wanted to be a pilot, ever since that ill-fated trip in her model airplane with the Frizz. So the Air Force was the logical…… DA… DA? Are you alright?”  
DA’s head was spinning. She sat down hard.


	5. Time Heals All?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After graduating, DA reflects upon how she got to where she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See warnings/notes in chapter 1.

"Sometimes, there just are no words to make it better."

DA sat on her roof. She fiddled with the hood in her hands. So this was it. She had done it. Doctor Sanders. Doctor Dorothy Ann Sanders. Ph.D in Astronomy and Astro-Physics.  
It was strange to think that she would be leaving here soon. This apartment had been her home for almost five years. But now that she had been hooded, she was probably going to have to move. She hoped her next home had a roof as great as this one. From here, you could see out over the harbor. And on clear nights, the view of the sky was unparalleled. Tonight could not have been clearer. And tonight, for the first time in 9,000 years, Jupiter and Mars were going to line up in the sky, both of them close enough to be seen with the naked eye.  
It was fitting.   
There was a tiny bubble of happiness that had been swelling in DA’s chest since the graduation ceremony earlier that day. It had started when she’d seen her parents and sister sitting in the second row, beaming proudly at her. Seeing Carlos and Tim cheer from the fifth row when she’d been announced had given the bubble lift-off. Realizing the others of the Frizzle gang were cheering right along with them had sent it shooting right up to her throat.   
It had punctured when it fell on Wanda’s empty chair.  
The tears started to fall again as she thought back to why Wanda had not been at the ceremony. What had happened the night barely one month ago when Wanda had left…

DA knew what she was doing was stupid. But it was the only thing she could do at this moment. It was the only thing that would let her look herself in the mirror every morning. Carlos and Phoebe were right: she needed to do what would make her happy. She just hoped that this was it.  
She ran through Newark airport, her shoes and jacket still dangling from her left hand. The woman at the security gate had wasted so much time with questions; Wanda’s flight was leaving in twenty minutes.  
DA darted between a couple leading their brightly-colored kids and a college student dragging a large suitcase, her eyes desperately searching for Gate 22.   
She could not miss this flight.   
If Wanda left like this…  
DA did a double-take as she ran right past a large number 22 on the wall. She skidded to a halt, slipping in her socks and went back the way she came. There was a large group gathered at the gate, a good number of them in identical Air Force uniforms. DA frantically scanned the faces.  
“… Wanda…” There she was, sitting alone, her head down, her cap across her knees, looking at her hands. DA felt her heart jump.   
But just as she spotted her, a flush of people emerged from Gate 24 and flowed past her, blocking her way. Wanda stood up, collecting her bag and making her way towards the departure gate.  
“Wanda!” DA cried desperately as Wanda drifted in and out of view among the press of bodies obscuring her vision. “Wanda!”  
It felt like a nightmare. Wanda was getting further and further away.  
“Wanda!” She cried again, jumping up and down and waving her shoes. She didn’t care that people were watching, she didn’t care if this was a security threat. She had to get Wanda’s attention.  
“WANDA!!!”  
The uniformed Asian turned around, her brow furrowed as she looked around. But she did not see who called her. DA dropped and ran forward, knowing full well that, even though it risked being trampled, it was her only way to get to Wanda in time. A few bashed elbows and handbags to the face later, she stood in front of Wanda panting hard and minus one shoe.   
“What are you doing here?” If Wanda was fazed at all by DA’s harried appearance, she did not show it.   
DA took a deep breath and brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. “I couldn’t let you leave, not like this.”  
Wanda held herself stiffly, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. “Who told you?”  
DA straightened up. “Not important. But why wasn’t it you?”  
She saw Wanda’s jaw clench. “You didn’t tell me…”  
“Stop it Wanda.” DA interrupted sternly. “Look,” She began a little more gently. “I know it was unfair and that that was the worst possible way for you to find out but you have to believe me when I say I didn’t keep it from you out of spite.” Wanda was still looking at her with those icy eyes. DA looked away. “I… I was afraid that I’d lose you if you knew. I was afraid of losing everyone.” Wanda was silent. DA’s heart fell. “You hate me, I know.”  
“I don’t hate you.”  
She looked up in surprise. The look on Wanda’s face had softened considerably but her expression was still guarded. “Then why did you storm out,” DA asked, wanting to reach out and rub Wanda’s shoulder until her arms came unfolded. “why didn’t you just let me explain?”  
“I didn’t want to hear any explanation.” Wanda said defensively.  
“Well I think you deserve one.”  
Wanda suddenly rounded on her. “Don’t you think I deserved to know from the start? I mean, all those times I dumped my problems on you, you never once thought you could do the same to me? Why didn’t you talk to me about it? Don’t you think I wanted to know?”  
DA took a half step back. “Why would you want to know?” Wanda’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears. She had unfolded her arms but now had her fists clenched by her side. “And why would you leave without saying goodbye?” DA continued. “Did you honestly not think it would hurt me? You’re my best friend, I don’t want you to go.”  
Wanda looked away again. “I… I just couldn’t stand the thought of you like that.” She confessed.  
“Like what?” DA asked gently, to hide her indignation. “Gay?”  
“No!” Wanda twisted the sleeve of her uniform. “You with her. Like that. I don’t mean…! I… I couldn’t handle it.”  
DA felt her lower lip tremble and she bit it to hide the action. “Wanda, this isn’t going to change anything!” She said, feeling like she was trying to convince both of them. “Please don’t say that it will! I’m still the same person! Yes, I like girls but I’m still your best friend, I still love you!”   
“Did it ever occur to you that I love you too?” Wanda blurted out.  
The world seemed to freeze. And finally, DA’s gifted mind put it all together.  
Wanda took a shaky breath. “I didn’t break up with Arnold because of the problems we were having. That was part of it but it wasn’t the whole reason.” She regarded DA defensively but there was an undercurrent of fear there. A fear DA knew all too well. “I broke up with him because… because I was confused about how I feel about you. And… and then I saw you kissing Janet and something inside me just… broke…” DA’s eyes dropped briefly but came right back to Wanda’s. “And in that moment…” Wanda continued. “I…… I knew that I’d never be happy with just being friends again. I knew that I wanted you to be mine.”  
DA said nothing.   
Wanda wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I’m sorry… I… that was stupid of me. I know that it’s just because we were so close and now you told me about you but you’re with… Janet. So we can’t… Just… just forget it.” She leaned over and picked up her pack, avoiding looking at DA.  
DA was calm. Very calm. Her heart wasn’t racing, her breath wasn’t making her dizzy.   
“There isn’t anybody else Wanda.” Wanda looked up as the words left DA’s mouth.  
DA took a step closer. She felt as if she could say something right there to fill the silence, break the anticipation. Something straight out of those romantic comedies she hated so much. Something heart-felt, simplistic yet deep and adorable and entirely too cliché.   
But she didn’t say anything.  
And for once in her life, Wanda was speechless.   
DA leaned forward and pressed her lips against Wanda’s in a chaste kiss. They held it for a second, then DA slowly pulled back. A warm, pleasant feeling was creeping slowly up and down her spine. Wanda took a deep, shuddering breath and opened her eyes.   
“Come with me.” She said to DA.  
They stared into each other’s eyes. The offer was tempting: the two of them, building a life together, far away from the places they knew, the people whose judgment they feared.   
DA smiled and shook her head.  
The final call for the flight was made and the other uniformed passengers made their way towards the gate. The crowd swept a still incoherent Wanda away. DA took a step back and watched until Wanda vanished into the gate.   
They both needed a fresh start, their own time to figure out who they were now that they had taken this step. And while being together might have made it easier for both of them, it also would have made it harder to determine exactly who each of them was as an individual. DA knew that, though she loved Wanda, it was time she learned how to be herself. 

As the plane boarded, Wanda could not help thinking that this was a mistake, leaving so soon after this realization. As the flight attendants demonstrated safety procedures, she turned to the window and stared out of it back towards the glass windows of the terminal.   
Dimly, she could make out DA’s form standing at the window, watching the plane. The sight made her bitterly happy. Bitter that she was leaving, happy that she was not losing her. All the same though, even though this decision to join the Air Force was helping her make two of her dreams come true, she couldn’t help the desire rising within her to scream ‘Fuck it all!!’ and run off the plane into DA’s arms. She gripped her armrest hard. What should she do?   
As Wanda sat there, in turmoil, wondering if she should give up this chance DA simply held out her hand and pressed it against the glass, her fingers spread wide. Although she knew DA couldn’t see her, Wanda pressed her palm against the window of the plane as it taxied away from its stand and headed for the runway to take her to her new life. As the jet took to the sky, she sat back with a smile on her face. 

Sitting on the rooftop, DA tossed the hood up and into the wind and looked upward with a smile. It was time for a new kind of adventure.  
Far to the West and 54.6 million kilometers away, Mars was rising. 555 million kilometers from it, Jupiter glowed.

It would take them two months and many, many hours of coordination between their schedules but gradually, their visits filled with kisses and hand-holding led to visits of touches and hugs and finally led to something deeper, something more carnal that they both craved forevermore.   
As they lay in DA’s hotel bed together after that first time, DA lazily drawing patterns on Wanda’s stomach with her fingers, Wanda finally said what she’d been thinking since that first kiss.  
“I haven’t told anyone.”  
DA’s fingers stopped tracing. She looked up at Wanda and smiled.   
“Thank you.” With a contented sigh, DA lay her head on Wanda’s shoulder. Their perfectly matched fingers twined together.  
No more words were said that night but the new lovers had made a silent agreement. And as they drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms, knowing that one day they’d have to face their fears, they also knew that when that time came, neither one of them would be alone.


End file.
